Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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