So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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