3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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