I am spending my child support on dildos
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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