My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
