my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Randomize
