He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
my being single is dangerous.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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