break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
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