Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
