There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
