He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
