My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
