I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
