And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
