You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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