If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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