Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You are the jesus of drinking
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
