How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
