my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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