I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
