I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
...so i touched it.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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