Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize