Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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