Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
