All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
