There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
