I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
