If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Randomize
