sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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