just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
