Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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