She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
