My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize