Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
