Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
