Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
