saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Randomize
