Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
