I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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