The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
