So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
