I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
