So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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