I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
