Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
