i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
