Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
