They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
