so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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