Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Oh god it's open bar.
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