I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
