If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
