I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
You are the jesus of drinking
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
