Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
