Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
