Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize