My sheets look like a crime scene.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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