I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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