wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just cut my nipple shaving
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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