OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
