Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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