My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
